How do I feel about music? well, since I can remember it has been the one and only constant. Memories of gospel hymns sang Acapella, 8th row, right side church pew. Watching my mother clean the house and listening to Elvis, or some Patsy Cline. Watching the Lawrence Welk show with my grandmother... playing vinyl at her house. My grandfather being a musician who played, banjo, fiddle, piano and guitar. My grandmother recording me when I was five... "what do you want to be when you grow up?", me- "a singer". My mother forcing me to read my father a song I had written in the 5th grade, and then him explaining to me that music is what he called " a pipe dream". Never knew what that meant until I was older, just that it wasn't something he wanted me to pursue. I never got the singing lessons I asked for in middle school, but I sang anyway. I sang in church, I sang in music elective classes, performing arts, etc. I sang in and out of a few bands over the years. I still have never taken lessons and I am currently working on some original music. Music for me has several times over the years been my saving grace. Whether it be me behind the mic or someone else. Mostly the latter of course, I can listen to an album, tape, CD, file, and tell you exactly where I was and what was going on in my life right then. I have specific artists who have gotten me through some of the roughest patches in my life, and several times, have cried myself to sleep over the lack of being able to perform it all myself. Of wanting to be on stage, for that to be who I was as a person. I have thought, written and spoken this- " if it wasn't for music, I would be dead". So many years of depending on others to write, arrange and sing the words that I needed to say myself. So many years of depending on others to create the feeling I needed to feel in order to move on the next endeavor. I still listen to music every day, and I still dip and dabble in performing. I have been told my entire life that I have a great, beautiful, awesome voice, yet I never had the support or conviction to do anything with it. And that is okay. I am over the crying, most of the want (Is still enjoy being on stage, I cannot lie), and I no longer feel the need to pursue it whole heartedly.... finally. Finally, some relief. I have three children who love music, one son who loves to sing, one son who is a talented guitar player, and a daughter who is talented vocally and musically. They all keep it to themselves and do not necessarily feel the need to perform for others, although I have always supported and encouraged any type of musical interests. This is who we are. Our love for music is ultimately private. The fact that I have influenced these lovely children musically, that they love it as much as I do... well, maybe THAT was my true destiny. I have done my job. This is where I am at with music today, a little singing, a little writing, a little performing... and a whole damn lot of listening. I thank the stars for music every day and truly do not understand people who don't NEED it in their lives. The rough patches of life have passed, and I don't use music the same way as I used to.... but I still and will always NEED it.
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