Greyspace...

Today I was told that I have been a place holder for something better "I knew early on this would not last but I didn't think you and your daughter had anywhere to go. I do feel sorry for waisting your years". 9 years. You plugged another woman in immediately. Before it was even over. But that's nothing knew. Only one of the reasons I fought against you. You needed no greiving. Your life has not skipped a beat. What do I do with all this? At 52 and no longer desired. The one who lost everything with no way to rebuild. NO, I am not a victim. But yes, I am. I hung on out of loyalty to you as my friend and compannion. Out of love and possibilities. So, to know that I meant nothing still hurts. No matter that I should no longer care.

Today, I found a reciept from your stay at a hotel in Long Beach. When you lied and said you were staying with Kelly. Along with a FB message to a gal who lives there. That is all.

 "Cock Fight" I struck you yesterday Like film Noir Across the face Harder still Your perverse mouth Harder again You Later that night

 I am standing at The Foster Freeze on Telegraph waiting. I had just been into Santino's for a stupid expensive glass of cheap Chiante. It is a dive pizza spot but down the street from my house and secluded. I even have a secret spot for my car so that I won't be spotted. I just needed time to sit on a stool that has been contoured by many an ass and be alone. It is my secret, mine and mine alone.   Now waiting for my order I am viewed by many. I adjust my skirt to make sure my knees aren't showing. Insecurity is always unwanted but forever returns. I hate my knees. The circus mix is bizarre but they all have one thing in common, Ice cream on a cold and gloomy Socal day. Only in these places is gloom a part of everyday life and not allowed to alter your behavior. It starts to rain. The girl at the window say's smells like rain, I say it smells like dirt. I get my fries, get into the car, and only make it a few minutes down the road before I have to pull over. The water ...